Women of my type aren't the type who are the leads in shows...we're the quirky best friend...or the funny cameo role that sings the 11 o'clock number. But we never fall in love, we never sing a ballad and we are never the character that the audience invests in and roots for over the course of the show.
However, I've been lucky...I've understudied a lot...and I mean A LOT. I've probably understudied more roles than I've gotten to play. And, at least here in Seattle, casting directors are nice (or desperate) enough to let me understudy the pretty, romantic engenue. My chubby quirky self has understudied some pretty big roles, like Eva Peron (Evita), Jo March (Little Women), currently the Narrator (Joseph) and some not so big roles such as Rifke (Fiddler...she has one line), all four Pick-a-little Ladies (Music Man) and Fan #1 & #2 (Damn Yankees...they dont even have lines. They carry a banner on stage.)
What all of these experiences have in common is the Understudy Nightmare. It goes like this: You're on stage. There are actors surrounding you. The music is playing. You're wearing a costume you don't recognize. The spotlight is on you. 2000 people are staring at you and you have no idea what show you are in or how you got there! I've had this dream so many times I know it by heart and yet it freaks me out everytime.
So today, as I am waiting backstage to watch the show I'm currently understudying, I decided to think about how those experiences will affect my journey to New York. I figure I've got two choices:
1) When I get there, realize that everyone who comes in contact with me knows I'm a fraud. They're going to think things like, "She's too fat to live in New York." or "She didn't even study theatre in college." or "She wasnt a success in Seattle. Why does she think she'll work here." They're going to look at me and wonder if someone else could do it better... They're going to wonder if they should ask for a refund now, or wait until intermission.
or
2) Go out there and do the best I can do. If they dont like it, they can suck it. Somewhere deep down, I'm a success. Maybe not to anyone else. But I made the choice to take the leap and doesn't that mean I did something right?
I'm sure version #1 will creep in to my head a lot more than version #2. But from experience, when the show is over I'm not thinking about what the audience thought, or if my fellow actors liked my understudy performance. I'm over the moon about having made it through...one more time.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
New York Living Is Like Starting College
Since I found out I was moving to NY, I've been going through my belongings like treasured artifacts of my past. Big decisions have to be made. Goals had to be set. I gave myself a budget of $500 to ship my belongings. (A moving truck would have been close to $2000). All of the big furniture is being sold off.
This process feels a lot like packing for college. In NY I will be sharing a 5th floor walk up railroad apartment. For those that dont know, Railroad means that all the rooms stack behind each other, making one long apartment. My housemates will walk through my bedroom to get to theirs. Still for my own room in midtown (52nd and 9th) I'm not complaining. My room fits a twin bed and a bookshelf and has a closet. Everything I own has to be whittled down to a closet and a bookshelf.
When I packed for college I was very concerned that if someone walked in to my shared dorm room, they would immediately know every intimate detail about me and my past. I took 20 or so posters from shows I had done in high school and community theatre and hung them up. If there was any blank wall space, it was filled with photographs of these productions. I wanted people to know I was a theatre person (ironically, I didn't study theatre in college.) My desk was covered with nicknacks and gadets that I had collected in my 18 years. My baby blanket and AJ the dog/bear lived on my bed. There wasn't an ounce of room left for me...let alone my poor roommate, Carla. And now, years later I am faced with the same quandry: What goes to NY and what goes to the Goodwill?
But you know what is interesting about this time around. I'm taking a huge step. I'm walking away from my life here in Seattle and starting a new one. Armed with that knowledge, packing has become a lot easier. I don't need 20 pictures of my high school boyfriend. I can toss the dried corsage from prom. And I certainly don't need to haul my 20 page paper on the Pauline Scriptures across the country.
It interesting to go through everything and take a look and who you were and who you've become. More importantly, I thought long and hard about who I want to be. If a certain belonging or memory didn't support that vision, it got tossed. And you know what? I feels really good! Letting go of old dreams and goals makes room for new dreams. And I for one couldn't be more excited to pursue them!
This process feels a lot like packing for college. In NY I will be sharing a 5th floor walk up railroad apartment. For those that dont know, Railroad means that all the rooms stack behind each other, making one long apartment. My housemates will walk through my bedroom to get to theirs. Still for my own room in midtown (52nd and 9th) I'm not complaining. My room fits a twin bed and a bookshelf and has a closet. Everything I own has to be whittled down to a closet and a bookshelf.
When I packed for college I was very concerned that if someone walked in to my shared dorm room, they would immediately know every intimate detail about me and my past. I took 20 or so posters from shows I had done in high school and community theatre and hung them up. If there was any blank wall space, it was filled with photographs of these productions. I wanted people to know I was a theatre person (ironically, I didn't study theatre in college.) My desk was covered with nicknacks and gadets that I had collected in my 18 years. My baby blanket and AJ the dog/bear lived on my bed. There wasn't an ounce of room left for me...let alone my poor roommate, Carla. And now, years later I am faced with the same quandry: What goes to NY and what goes to the Goodwill?
But you know what is interesting about this time around. I'm taking a huge step. I'm walking away from my life here in Seattle and starting a new one. Armed with that knowledge, packing has become a lot easier. I don't need 20 pictures of my high school boyfriend. I can toss the dried corsage from prom. And I certainly don't need to haul my 20 page paper on the Pauline Scriptures across the country.
It interesting to go through everything and take a look and who you were and who you've become. More importantly, I thought long and hard about who I want to be. If a certain belonging or memory didn't support that vision, it got tossed. And you know what? I feels really good! Letting go of old dreams and goals makes room for new dreams. And I for one couldn't be more excited to pursue them!
Monday, October 5, 2009
27 Days To Go!
Finally, after years of contemplating this decision, I've made it! I'm moving to New York!
"Big deal!" you may think to yourself...but it is...for me anyway. This decision represents years of debate, sleepless nights, one way plane tickets that became round trip tickets before I even left the ground, etc. But this time, it's real!
On Nov. 2, Delta Flight 80 from Seattle to JFK will carry me to my new life and I can hardly wait. For years, I've poured over broadway.com, playbill.com, broadway secrets, backstage, etc...just to live vicariously through everyone who had the guts to do what I didn't, to live the life they were meant to live, while I sat in Seattle hoping my life would find me there.
If you're still rolling your eyes, stop now. I'm not some, Peggy Sawyer, with Broadway aspirations. I don't dream of getting on the plane where miraculously a Broadway agent is seated next to me, frantically looking for my type (the late 20's, chubby, enthusiastic best friend of the lead)...NOPE! All I want, is to be part of it all. (Thanks to [Title of Show] for putting it so succinctly for me.)
I want to go to the Broadway Flea Market, Broadway on Broadway, Broadway in Bryant Park, Broadway Barks, Joe's Pub, walk 9th Avenue hoping to run in to a Broadway star, but then get too embarrassed to say anything, so I just walk by. I want to live in a city that breathes art and creativity. In my mind, New York City is like drama club in high school. Everyone is a theatre dork but no one is made fun of for it.
Maybe I'm wrong...but for now, I'm choosing to believe that New York and the Broadway community are the magical people and place that I have believed them to be for all of these years.
Keep posted to find out if its true....
"Big deal!" you may think to yourself...but it is...for me anyway. This decision represents years of debate, sleepless nights, one way plane tickets that became round trip tickets before I even left the ground, etc. But this time, it's real!
On Nov. 2, Delta Flight 80 from Seattle to JFK will carry me to my new life and I can hardly wait. For years, I've poured over broadway.com, playbill.com, broadway secrets, backstage, etc...just to live vicariously through everyone who had the guts to do what I didn't, to live the life they were meant to live, while I sat in Seattle hoping my life would find me there.
If you're still rolling your eyes, stop now. I'm not some, Peggy Sawyer, with Broadway aspirations. I don't dream of getting on the plane where miraculously a Broadway agent is seated next to me, frantically looking for my type (the late 20's, chubby, enthusiastic best friend of the lead)...NOPE! All I want, is to be part of it all. (Thanks to [Title of Show] for putting it so succinctly for me.)
I want to go to the Broadway Flea Market, Broadway on Broadway, Broadway in Bryant Park, Broadway Barks, Joe's Pub, walk 9th Avenue hoping to run in to a Broadway star, but then get too embarrassed to say anything, so I just walk by. I want to live in a city that breathes art and creativity. In my mind, New York City is like drama club in high school. Everyone is a theatre dork but no one is made fun of for it.
Maybe I'm wrong...but for now, I'm choosing to believe that New York and the Broadway community are the magical people and place that I have believed them to be for all of these years.
Keep posted to find out if its true....
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