The Understudy Nightmare

Women of my type aren't the type who are the leads in shows...we're the quirky best friend...or the funny cameo role that sings the 11 o'clock number. But we never fall in love, we never sing a ballad and we are never the character that the audience invests in and roots for over the course of the show.

However, I've been lucky...I've understudied a lot...and I mean A LOT. I've probably understudied more roles than I've gotten to play. And, at least here in Seattle, casting directors are nice (or desperate) enough to let me understudy the pretty, romantic engenue. My chubby quirky self has understudied some pretty big roles, like Eva Peron (Evita), Jo March (Little Women), currently the Narrator (Joseph) and some not so big roles such as Rifke (Fiddler...she has one line), all four Pick-a-little Ladies (Music Man) and Fan #1 & #2 (Damn Yankees...they dont even have lines. They carry a banner on stage.)

What all of these experiences have in common is the Understudy Nightmare. It goes like this: You're on stage. There are actors surrounding you. The music is playing. You're wearing a costume you don't recognize. The spotlight is on you. 2000 people are staring at you and you have no idea what show you are in or how you got there! I've had this dream so many times I know it by heart and yet it freaks me out everytime.

So today, as I am waiting backstage to watch the show I'm currently understudying, I decided to think about how those experiences will affect my journey to New York. I figure I've got two choices:

1) When I get there, realize that everyone who comes in contact with me knows I'm a fraud. They're going to think things like, "She's too fat to live in New York." or "She didn't even study theatre in college." or "She wasnt a success in Seattle. Why does she think she'll work here." They're going to look at me and wonder if someone else could do it better... They're going to wonder if they should ask for a refund now, or wait until intermission.

or

2) Go out there and do the best I can do. If they dont like it, they can suck it. Somewhere deep down, I'm a success. Maybe not to anyone else. But I made the choice to take the leap and doesn't that mean I did something right?

I'm sure version #1 will creep in to my head a lot more than version #2. But from experience, when the show is over I'm not thinking about what the audience thought, or if my fellow actors liked my understudy performance. I'm over the moon about having made it through...one more time.